Essential Questions

There are a host of self-confessed "bad parents" who confess their parenting "sins." In fact, Kristina Sauerwein boldly claims that it is chic to be a bad mom. But are "bad parents" the only ones confessing?

What is the point of confession?
For "bad parents" the point of confession is transparency. Rather than pretending to have it together, they're ready to say that they don't. This the the integrity in their position that creates its allure. For parents who are trapped in a game of pretense and hypocrisy, the prospect of being honest and transparent is exciting.

But can transparency be the only aim of confession? If my daughter comes to me and tells me that she wrote on the wall with a Sharpie, I commend her for her honesty, and we talk together about the consequences of her action, and the future consequences of repeating this action. I welcome and honor the transparency of her confession, but I fully expect that the outcome of confession is going to be change. In confessing, she is telling me something that she has done wrong. There is no celebration of what she has done. There is still Sharpie on the wall. We look to the hard work of cleaning up the mess; we request and offer forgiveness; and we talk creatively about how to prevent it happening again. Confession that doesn't involve contrition and repentance is not confession in the sense that any wise parent would want to hear from a child. Why should we welcome it from parents?

So, what do good parents confess?
Good parents can, should be, and - by definition - are engaged in confession. The critical difference is that their confession involves contrition and repentance. If I get angry at my daughter because she disobeys a simple instruction that I have clearly given her and I speak to her in an unkind way, the only kind of confession that is appropriate is one that says:

1. I was wrong.
2. Will you forgive me?
3. I want to change.
4. I'm going to think about what I can do differently next time so that I don't fall into a rut of unkindness.

This is the kind of humility and confession that is an essential characteristic of good parents. Why essential? Because every parent fails. This is without exception. So there are three ways to handle these inevitable failures:

1. Hypocrisy says "I didn't do it," or "It wasn't a big deal."
2. Transparency says "I did it. I'm human. So what?"
3. Humility says "I did it. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I want to change. Will you forgive me?"

Only one of these alternatives is honorable - and it isn't the one that tries to save face. Good parenting is not the absence of failure; it is the ubiquitous presence of humility.

Our children learn from our example. Will they become hypocrites, transparent, or humble?