Yesterday as I walked down the sidewalk with my six-year-old daughter, she asked some wonderful questions about university. In answer, we began by talking about her stage of education - elementary school - and continued through the educational sequence to middle school, high school and then college or university. Like many inquisitive kids, she wanted to know, "What comes after that!?" I explained that there is something called graduate school for people who have graduated from university to continue formal study; and after that, you can do post-graduate studies. My daughter was enthralled by the seemingly-never-ending educational process.
While I was talking with my daughter, a stranger walking beside us interrupted: "She don't need to know that! You're talking to her like she is an adult." I bit my tongue, having received unrequested parenting advice from strangers on the street before. Her interruption, however inept in grammar and social graces, brings out beautifully two facets of parent child conversation.
Needless Knowledge
At six years old, perhaps the only things a child needs to know are her name, age, address, phone number and a few math facts. She doesn't need to know what university is, or where China is on a map, or what language they speak in Mongolia. But at six years old, a child is a sponge for knowledge. She soaks up all sorts of fascinating information about all sorts of things that she has no present use for. This week, for example, she was fascinated by a Time for Kids book about Eleanor Roosevelt.
The very practice of asking and answering questions becomes a habit and way of constantly learning. By participating in dialogue, we learn to ask better questions and perceive more helpful answers. As a parent, it is my privilege and responsibility to cultivate that thirst for knowledge, and provide answers to the best of my ability - readily and willingly acknowledging that by others' standards, "She don't need to know that."
Talking to children like adults
Why was it so noteworthy to this perfect stranger that I spoke to my child like I speak to an adult? Could it be that we - or at least some of us - are accustomed to hearing adults alter their tone of voice and limit their vocabulary when speaking to children?
In my experience as a parent and educator, I have observed that when adults speak to children "like they are children," children can perceive it as patronizing and demeaning, as though they couldn't possibly understand if an adult spoke normally to them. I have also seen that adults who speak to children "like they are adults" convey a sense of dignity and maturity to their listeners. They raise the level of expectation: that a child can understand and use a rich vocabulary, and can participate in a thoughtful, mature conversation. With few exceptions, children rise to the level of expectation. There is no better place to establish those high expectations than in the home.
How is a child to learn?
In response to the stranger who so publicly challenged the way I speak to my child, I asked, "How is a child to learn?" Her answer: "Later." (Yes, she answered a how question with a time.) This conversation serves as a clear reminder of the influence parents have on shaping conversations with children. This woman's children will experience the world ways very different from my children because of the way that their mother speaks to them (not like adults), and about what they speak (only things they "need" to know).
I truly hope that through frequent, thoughtful, rich conversations my children will learn how to think and speak clearly, and to grow in an insatiable hunger for knowledge and wisdom. And hopefully, with practice, I will learn to deal wisely with those who dismiss the importance of discussing all manner of things with children.
How do you speak to children?
July 29, 2010
