Essential Questions

This is a guest post from Adrienne May, a featured writer for Military Spouse Central, to help all families navigate times of crisis.

Whether or not Superstorm Sandy blew through your area, you still should find a way to explain the stormy situation to your kids. This skill can be broadly applied to any crisis situation you and your kids may come in contact with – whether it’s a personal loss within your family, a natural disaster hitting your neighborhood or a crisis in a far-off country your kids may not be able to locate on a map. In order to address these situations, start by asking your kids the following three questions.

 

1. What is happening?

You may think your kids understand the situation based on what you’ve told them, along with what they’ve heard from friends, classmates, teachers and other trusted advisers. But just because they’ve heard it and sat in the background while you watch the news doesn’t mean they have the slightest clue what’s going on. Ask them to say it back to you and clarify any points they may have misunderstood until they seem to have a complete understanding of what’s going on. Then make sure to answer any follow-up questions they may have about the situation.

 

2. How does this make you feel?

Now that you’ve completed their understanding of the crisis situation, see how the facts and their relation (or lack of relation) to them makes them feel. Do they feel disconnected from a given situation – such as a hurricane hundreds of miles away – because its lack of proximity to them? If so, you can show them how it relates to them to evoke empathy. Such as how it might affect kids their age in the area in crisis. If they feel strong emotions because the situation directly affects them or family members, the next thing to do would be to encourage them to act to get through these emotions.

 

3. How can you help?

Just like with adults, it can help kids to deal with a crisis by acting. So if they are dealing with a dad in the military being deployed to a war-torn country, perhaps the solution would be to encourage them to write a letter or send a care package with their personal stamp on it overseas. Or if it’s a natural disaster in your neighborhood, see if they’d like to contribute to the clean-up efforts or donate some of their clothes or toys to children in need. And if you or your family is personally suffering because of the crisis, ask them what help they need and how they think you and your family should go about getting it. Let them in on the decision making process if they’re old enough so they’ll be more equipped to deal with disaster in the future.

 

On top of these questions, you want to keep the lines of communication open between you and your kids throughout a crisis. Maintain a day-to-day conversation with updates as needed and appropriate so they feel empowered rather than emotional in a crisis situation. And when you’re not talking and asking questions, keep a calm and cool head in the crisis so your kids can learn from your words as well as your example on how to delicately dance through life’s disasters.

 

Adrienne May is the featured writer for Military Spouse Central, a resource that offers news and tips to an active network of over 100,000 military families.  Aside from being a military spouse and mother of three, Adrienne enjoys discovering new tools in social media that allow her to connect with others. Follow her on Google+ or tweet her @AdrienneMay.

Parents Matter
A recent nationally representative study published in the Research in Social Stratification and Mobility journal presents an important finding: parenting matters more than school in students' academic achievements. In fact, The Telegraph reports that this "study of 10,000 teenagers has found the home environment is three times more important than the school, when it comes to 18-year-olds' test results."

Why Parents Matter
For parents, the implications are clear. Schools matter, and parents matter even more. Parents direct, encourage, and challenge their children. In the language of the study authors, parents create social capital. The disciplines of listening, attentiveness and perseverance (among others) enable their children to learn in every setting - including the school.

Good New and Bad News
The great news about this finding is that parents need not worry as much about the particular school their children attend. The role that they play in the home in building trust, establishing routines, fostering open communication, and nurturing discipline will enable their children to thrive wherever they are planted. When parents take this approach, it has positive effects for the entire school and community. Children who have strong 'family social capital' bring it with them to school - and influence the school culture. This is additionally good news because it takes undue expectations off schools. They're important, but they're not all that is important.

The bad news is that there isn't a simple fix. You can't just implement a new curriculum, or hire a new school administrator, or lengthen the school day or year. Influencing parents to build family social capital is tremendously important - and it is slow, hard work.

At the end of the day, that's the story of character. It doesn't happen overnight in parents or children. It is slow, hard work . . . that bears good fruit.

Networking
Almost anywhere you go you find networks of mothers. They form reading groups, play groups, and support groups. And they truly support one another. Why? Because parents need support. We need one another for wisdom, encouragement, correction and all manner of practical help.

Not long ago, I was reading the manuscript for Keith Zafren's forthcoming book on fathering. In those pages it occurred to me that what is common and helpful among mothers is just as critical among fathers. For fathers, networking often means building relationships that are related to vocation and civic involvement. Sadly, it is far less common for communities of fathers to form around the needs, challenges and joys of fathering.

Fostering Father Communities
If you're a mother, consider the importance of your network. Then think what the same kind of network would do for your husband. If you're a father, don't be afraid to seek and create that community. It may be one of the best things that you can do to learn from others and grow in the art of fathering.

When my daughter wants to be able to do something, I ask her, "How do you become good at something?" She's heard the question enough times now to know the answer: practice, if you want to be able to ride a bike, or play the piano, or read fluently - or anything - you must practice. 
We often think of practice in terms of particular skills, like playing soccer or handwriting, but it really applies to anything we do. As we practice, we train ourselves to do something in a particular way, which may be good, bad, or indifferent.

Take the habit of conversation for example. We learn habits of conversation by doing them repeatedly. We may develop a habit of repeating ourselves (which I have noticed in myself), or the habit of interrupting others. I we may develop habits of good eye contact, clarifying questions, and recalling previous conversations. Whatever the habits are, they shape every conversation we have, because we slip into them by default. W train ourselves to act in certain ways simply by doing them repeatedly. 

Martin Luther King Jr. was a master of rhetoric. He knew how to use words well for the sake of truth and justice. Where did he learn them?
Martin's Big Words
In a very well-illustrated picture book, Martin's Big Words, Doreen Rappaport tells the story of where Dr. King acquired his tremendous vocabulary and facility with language: from his father. He cherished language, and learned to use it well. Rappaport concludes simply, "His big words are alive for us today." They are indeed. 

Are you inspiring your children with "big words"? Do they see that big words are meant to be used for good? Do they have heroes who use big words well? This book is a great place to start in exposing your kids to one of those great heroes.